Towards the Light
I recently took part in a fantastic storytelling event at The Nest in Columbus, OH. Below is the story I told. Enjoy!
It was August 1999. I got into a smelly van with four other dudes and I never looked back.
That sounds like the opening line of a Netflix missing persons documentary, but I promise you it isn't.
In my 20s, I was in a Christian rock band. To quote one of my favorite comedians, Mitch Hedberg, "I still do, but I used to, too". I still play music with that band on occasion, but my relationship with faith and Christianity is entirely different from what it was in my 20s.
Growing up, I had a fairly tumultuous childhood. My parents divorced when I was young, and we moved around a ton, once or twice a year, usually. My mom remarried a few times, and let me tell you, she definitely had a type. There were a lot of drugs around the house constantly. This was why we were constantly on the move - landlords tend to disapprove of their homes being the epicenter for all drug activity in a 30-mile radius.
My mom was also a liar, a manipulator, and an all-around selfish person. She often put my brothers and me directly in harm's way with her choices. By the time I was a teenager, I knew this. I knew my house wasn't safe, so I spent as much time away from there as possible. My life was filled with a lot of darkness, and I was looking for a light.
When I was 14, my neighbor invited me to see his band play one night. They were playing at a church, which I thought was weird, but I went. Just like every teen in the early 90s, I was really into bands like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Alice in Chains. My friend's band sounded just like these bands, but they sang songs about Jesus. I was hooked. I became a Christian that night and started attending church with another friend from school. I also knew what I wanted to do with my life. Play in a band.
Church and Christian organizations became my safe place and the light I was drawn towards. I know now that guilt and emotional manipulation are very powerful tools to get teens to make life-altering decisions and can lead to actual spiritual trauma for a lot of people. But overall, my experience was positive, with well-meaning adults who cared. Did I believe what was being preached? I don't know. I believe that I wanted to believe it. Mostly, I just wanted to be safe and cared for.
I see pictures of myself from high school and college, and I am always wearing random clothes that were not mine—a random hoodie or someone else's hat. I view my relationship with Christianity in the same way. It was like a sweater I picked up from someone's dorm room floor and wore for a while. It kept me warm and protected me from the rain and elements. It served a purpose when I needed it.
In the summer of 99, I was offered a spot playing bass in a touring Christian rock band based in Nashville. I didn't hesitate. I jumped in that van and headed straight towards the light—the proverbial light of the stage that I had dreamed of since my early teens, but also the light of hope—a path out of the darkness of my childhood and a new community to keep me safe.
I toured for about five years straight, and I loved it. To say it changed my life is a complete understatement. I moved to Nashville full-time. The other guys in the band became my family. I met a girl, and we got married. These truly were the best days of my life. Eventually, though, the grind of touring started to take its toll. We retired the band from touring and stopped making new music.
My wife and I moved to Texas, settled down, and started a family. This was where my relationship with Christianity started to shift. Suddenly, this sweater I had tried on all those years ago that brought me warmth and comfort started to feel itchy and confining. I started questioning small things I had been taught or told. It started as a small thread sticking out on that sweater, and I started to pull at it. Little by little, I kept tugging.
This was all internal, though. I didn't tell anyone. However, by 2021, I could no longer hide it. The sweater I had been pulling at for years and years was gone. I was exposed. Part of my problem with Christianity was a logical one. I had a hard time believing that The Bible was infallible. I didn't think of it as a historical document that was all true. The big thing, though, the thing that sealed the deal and made me finally distance myself publicly, was watching so many Christians use their beliefs as a weapon to harm and ostracize the marginalized. Couple this with the political environment, where so many Christians sold out their beliefs to support an agenda that so obviously anti-Christian - that was it. I was done.
There was a lot of fallout for me leaving behind that faith. Too much to fit in this story, really. I lost friends, I lost my marriage but after years of inertia -- of just going with the flow of what I had been taught or told, I finally stopped and listened to what I wanted. To what I actually believed. I leaned into community, kindness, love, dignity, and respect for all people. These are all good things about faith that I missed. Things I absolutely still believe in.
I posted something on Facebook recently that was anti-Nazi and supported trans rights. A Christian friend of mine chimed in in the comments and told me I had strayed from my beliefs and was walking in darkness. Like it is this binary switch in a room that you turn on and off. You're either in or you're out. That has not been my experience at all. There is so much light in this world. I found that old light growing dim, so I stepped out, not into darkness, but towards a new light. A light that is more authentically me. And it provides enough warmth that I don't even need that sweater anymore.